| This week, I wrote about the grief I still experience since my husband died in 2013. I received some wonderful responses from readers who have also mourned the loss of a loved one. I moved to Washington, D.C., and started working for The Post after Bruce died. New co-workers and friends never knew him, but it's important to me to still talk about him. It's a way to keep him in my life, and heart, as I move forward. "I appreciate it when friends bring up my husband's name — he is still a part of their lives as well as mine," writes Betty, 85, who was married for 56 years. Other things that help: walks on the beach, poetry and accepting help. "When my mom died after a lengthy battle with lung cancer, I threw myself into our family history and old photos. Going through her stuff — she had traveled extensively through Europe, Latin America and Australia — I saw photos and slides over the years that I had never seen before and wished I could have asked her about," Darcy, 60, writes. "Suddenly she was alive and vibrant again in these pictures, changing her hairstyle over the years but with the same sparkling smile and spirit throughout. I had the photos printed into a memory book that I shared with family. I think it helped me not only grieve but process the meaning of her life as well." And what about those friends and family who don't know what to say to someone who is grieving? David Kessler, who co-authored "On Grief and Grieving" with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, suggests these things (and I agree): - I am so sorry for your loss.
- I wish I had the right words; just know I care.
- I don't know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way that I can.
And some of the worst things to say: - He/she is in a better place.
- There is a reason for everything. (I hate that one!!)
- It's been a few years; you should move on with your life. (That is the most hurtful of all, because there is not a set time of grief.
Bold School readers had thoughts on the matter, too. "When my mother passed away in January 2019, I learned so much about myself and others. What I found most comforting were those who would share a memory of my mother and others who simply hugged me. A simple 'I'm sorry' was always appreciated," says Maria, 64. "What I did not appreciate were those who felt the need to share their experiences. One neighbor went on for over 20 minutes about the death of his amazing mother." Maggie, 67, lost her husband of 42 years in 2018. "The worst words for me are when someone asks 'How are you (really) doing?'' — it breaks me up every time," she writes. Barbara, 68, writes: "My brother died from suicide almost 30 years ago. Shortly after we returned from the funeral, a new friend came to the door and handed my husband a spiral ham. She didn't come into the house but I heard her say, "I don't know what to say so I brought you a ham." That simple act of kindness from someone I didn't know all that well at the time (we are now extremely close) stood in stark contrast to the many people — even good friends and co-workers — who avoided me for weeks. Simply saying, 'I don't know what to say' is enough. 'I'm sorry' is enough. Even 'here's a ham,' is enough. (What are some words that helped — or didn't help? Tell us what simple act has helped you through the grieving process here. We may feature it.) Permission to experience joy again"My mom died suddenly 31 years ago; I was 27 and a new mom myself. I grieved a good long time. I awoke in the middle of the night about 10 years after her death and went into another room in the house so as not to wake anyone. I started to talk to her, as I often had done, and I said to her, 'I can't move forward on my own.' Through streams of tears and desperation, I said to her, 'You have to let me go, Mom. You have to be the one, because I can't do it.' I believe that moment was a turning point for me. It gave me the permission I needed to begin experiencing joy again." — Lorrie, 59 "Gardening has helped me with the loss of my mother to cancer almost 11 years ago. The first time I sat down in the dirt following her death a beautiful monarch butterfly fluttered in front of me at eye level. I knew it was a message from my mother. Now I garden specifically for the butterflies, planting nectar and host plants to attract them. All spring and summer, I am surrounded by beauty that comforts me and keeps me going." — Karen, 58 Finding peace around you"While going through my husband's clothes to decide what was good for donating, I came across his favorite sport jacket and burst into tears. I held the jacket close to me and wrapped the arms around me. I hugged it tightly and somehow felt his closeness. I told him how much I loved and missed him, and asked why he had to leave me. I don't know how long I held him but when I hung the jacket back in the closet, I had a peaceful feeling that I hadn't felt before. We were together for 58 years and I still miss him terribly; but after that experience, it became a little easier to deal with my loss." — Donna, 88 "It can be easy to feel totally alone in grief, no matter how many other people are directly affected by the loss. As odd as it sounds, what helped me enormously was the realization that I wasn't the only person in the history of the world who'd lost a beloved brother. I was somehow comforted by that." — Lee, 69 "Long walks along the beach have been the most helpful for me. As I look out over the endless waves, I think about the waves of grief that continue to break over me even eight years after my husband's death. Sometimes the waves are so big that it feels like I'll never make it back up for a breath of air. Other times the ocean is relatively smooth and glassy, and I can't help but smile and be thankful for the 20 amazing years that we shared before tragedy struck." — Stephanie, 49 The healing powers of poetry"I found a book of poems that put into words my grief when my mother passed away; we were not always on the same page. "My Soul Feels Lean," is a book of poems about loss and restoration by Joyce Rupp. I now give the poems to people who have lost a loved one." — Kathy, 71 "Ever since my Mom died in May 2018, I've kept the memorial card from her funeral in my purse. It's become tattered, but has a lovely, smiling photo of her on the front and beautiful poem inside. Since I carry my purse everywhere I go, I feel like she is always with me. It's a simple remembrance that provides comfort, not sadness." — Carole, 62 Turn to support systems"Going to meetings of the Compassionate Friends got us through the first years after the death of our 27-year-old daughter in a pedestrian accident. It is not for everyone, but those experiencing the loss of a child should consider this group. My husband's birthday is one day after the day of her death, and we think of his birthday as the start of our new year, which helps us move forward." — Karla, 69 "A book by Barbara Roberts called "Death Without Denial, Grief Without Apology: A Guide for Facing Death and Loss," provided me with what I needed to let grief take it where it would, when my husband of 25 years died at 54. It was so helpful that I wrote to the author, who not only responded, but six months later responded again with more support. I have passed the book on numerous times. It helped me understand that grief is highly individual and there is no right or wrong way to do it; and that it is not my responsibility to make my loss easier for others." — Carol, 67 "My son died 25 years ago. Twenty-four years ago a woman with Compassionate Friends, a group for parents who have lost children, told me that her son had died 25 years ago and it still hurt sometimes. You'd think that would make it worse but instead it freed me from expecting to 'find closure' or 'recover.' — Maggie, 58 Help others through their grief"Ten years ago, my good friend Chris died a horrific death. He was living with Type 1 diabetes and had previously asked me to check on his mother if he predeceased her. So I've continued to honor that wish by making sure holidays and both his and her birthdays are recognized. I still get lovely, heartfelt thank you notes from a woman who is now my friend, as well as her son's, when she received my flowers, candy or a card." — Edward, 55 "My 28-year-old daughter committed suicide 20 years ago. I was already in counseling, and my counselor let me spend about three months crying in her office every week, and then I was not allowed to do it anymore. She and I started a grief group at our church. I saw that there were people who were grieving the loss of a child (of any age) and hadn't moved on, even after 10 years, and that they had become alcoholics and/or drug addicts. I knew I didn't want that to happen to me. So I worked at recovering, and, after two years, I was in a much, much better place. — Frances, 71 "To this day, I continue with an amazing support group. I found that once I learned to help and support others through their own grief, I could smile again. A part of my heart was lost when my children died but giving back has also helped me to accept my life. I am grateful for the opportunity to support others; as crazy as it seems, losing my children has made me a better person." — Sharon, 57 Keeping the memories alive"My husband had an interesting way with words, so my children and I made a long list of sayings that we use to keep him close to us. Examples: 'Don't get your bowels in an uproar,' and, about pop musicians and writers, 'He must be good — I never heard of him.' It helps when our children say, as they often do, 'Wouldn't Dad love this?' — Betty, 85 "I went through recipes a few weeks ago, looking for those my mother had shared with me. Making those recipes brings me close to my mother again." — Sandra, 62 "My mother died at age 90, after 12 years with dementia, during which time I was her advocate. She had the most beautiful and peaceful death I could ever imagine. Even with that, I was unprepared for the shock of grief that followed. Five weeks after she died, I woke up at 4 a.m., went to the computer, and wrote five pages: 'What I learned from Joan.' The content just flowed, as if she was talking. I sent it to her five grandchildren. They loved it, too." — Polly, 65 On Monday, look for Vicky on the power of music. Are you enjoying the community responses? If so, be sure to comment yourself, and don't forget to forward Bold School to a friend and invite them to join us. They can sign up at anytime and start with Lesson 1 the following Monday. | 
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